Speed

All I have to do is tie my shoes.

The hardest part of running is leaving the house.  I haven't gone a run in a long time and it's a vicious cycle.  You grow tired from lack of exercise, and when you're tired, you don't want to exercise!

So yesterday I was in a huff about something or another and I was getting a little bit stir-crazy.  I was beginning to feel confined in the four walls of my room, and my church clothes were making me itch.  I threw on a pair of leggings and a tank top.  I opened my closet to dig out my sweatshirt and I saw my sneakers gleaming, too white from disuse, from a corner.

No fully formed thoughts presented themselves in that moment.  I slapped on some socks and a cozy fleece, and then I tied my shoes.

Tying your shoes seals the deal.  The moment you put on your running shoes, you've made the commitment and you just have to exercise.

All it took was that small movement of putting on my Nike's, and I was motivated.  I popped in my headphones, said "So long!" to my folks, and headed out the door.

I walked quite a few blocks, not planning on running since I know I'm out of shape. I then perceived a long stretch of sidewalk in front of me with no parked cars or people in the way, and I told myself to run all the way to a certain street lamp up ahead.  I was off like a shot, not thinking about anything but Florence and the Machine's "Kiss With a Fist" pounding in my ears.

It's so freeing.  Your mind has to work fast to dodge loose stones in the pavement and posts and curbs, and, yet, at the same time, it's almost involuntary.  You're not really in control, at first.  It's just your feet flying across the terrain of their own accord.

I finally slowed, breathing hard and ready to walk.  I felt good.  Arms swinging, I made my way up to the park where I like to run, cooling rain drops hitting my head from the gloomy sky.

I didn't know this, but the road that wraps around the park is closed on the weekends so that pedestrians can use it.  All up and down this long road were families and couples walking, running, biking, and skating.  There were soccer games being played inside the park, and boats being rowed slowly across the pond.

I felt even better looking out over this scene.  The second I got onto the street, I ran again.  The song playing in my ears, which may or may not have been by Justin Timberlake, was in perfect rhythm with my feet and I was happy.  I ran farther than I thought I could, and then I walked.  I did a combination of walking and then running for a while until I realized I'd been gone well over 30 minutes.  I turned around and did the same thing all the way home.  My final burst all the way up to my front door near about killed me, but I loved it.

Now it's Monday and my legs and sides are ablaze.  Coming downstairs this morning for breakfast was a chore, and every time I have to face them I kind of want to weep, but that's ok.  I like feeling like I did a good job yesterday.  I like how my body is practically begging me for more of whatever that was.  I think I'll just walk today, though, because I get shin splints and I don't want to overdo it.

I always say that I hate running.  But, in truth, I think it's just that I hate tying my shoes.

Love,
Caro

A little list action

Quote of the day:   “I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”  -Dr. Seuss

Song of the day:  


This song really gets my groove-receptors twitching.  I can not sit still or do anything productive while this song is playing.  I'm not usually a Rihanna fan, but this is just good.

Passage of the day:  

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.

(Galatians 6:9-10 ESV)

Today's going to be a normal day with lots of studying.  I've got a speech for my thesis class to work on, and I've also got scholarship essays to write.  But I'm also reading The Jungle and Moby Dick in school, and they're both really good books so far!

I might venture out to Starbucks today to sit and read.  Being cooped up in the house for days on end sort of just happens a lot because I get so caught up in the things I have to do, so it's good for me to make sure I get some time outside these walls.  And since my brother's home from college for a few more days, I'll probably drag him along with me.  He's always up for a Starbucks trip.

Have a good day, everyone!

Love,
Caro

Who are you?

I've resolved to no longer try, on any occasion, to be something I'm not.


There are a lot of things about me that I would like to change, but will never be able to.  I will always, for instance, be someone who struggles with words.  I will always have the temptation to speak before thinking.  Also, I will forever struggle with laziness.  I'd always take zoning out in front of a TV screen over studying or cleaning my bathroom.  Innate flaws in me, like these, will never just go away.  I will spend my whole life fighting against them, and that's something to which I just have to resign myself.  So in these respects, I will always try to be something I'm not, and that's what I'm called to do.  I have to constantly seek God in these areas of my life and pray for change on a daily basis.   


Instead of that, though, I've been burning my energy on trying to change things I shouldn't.  I've wanted to be something that I'm not because the things that I am aren't necessarily the most exciting things.  For instance, I often enjoy pop music more than indie music or classical music.  I know that it's too "mainstream" to enjoy a catchy pop song, but it is what it is.  When I listen to Bon Iver, I love it.  But the problem is that the melody is so mellow and soft that I just grow depressed and overly dramatic with every note.  However, when I turn on a Katy Perry song, no matter how horrible the quality may be on a musical level, I'm ready to groove and move and I'm probably grinning.  


Also, I've said before that I don't care about cultural standards of how my body should look.  In the words of Dwight Schrute: False.  I do care!  I've recently started changing my diet and will probably soon start exercising because I'm not happy with my body.  And it's not very popular to say this, but I'm glad I'm changing my body.  I feel more confident in myself after losing the weight I have lost, and I feel like I have more self control now.  I don't think it makes sense to stay chubby and call it a day because I'm "ok with myself however I look."  I want to be happy, and I think I'd be happier if I were healthier.  That may not apply to everyone, but for me, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't the case.


Things like those are not things I should try to change.  If I'm not content with my body?  It's ok to not be content with it!  I'll do better.  If I have a more upbeat mood when I listen to certain music over how I feel when I listen to mellow, indie music, then I'll keep listening.  These things work for me.  There are many things about me that I wish were different and more exciting.  However, changing acceptable things about myself in order to put a cultural label on my forehead takes away from my energy to change the bad things about me.  The fight against real demons I struggle with should not be overwhelmed by a desire to please man and man alone.


I'm not a hipster.  I'm not an artist.  I'm not a musician.  I'm not an athlete.  I'm not any one thing in particular on any given day.


I'm a medley of a bunch of different things, and I have to focus on changing only what God would have me change.  He made me, he loves me, and I am the way that I am for his purpose.  And the beauty of this is that once we define ourselves in the name of Jesus Christ, that's the only title we need.  A Child of God.  With all of my quirks, he loves me and he accepted me into his kingdom.


Who are you? 


Love,
Caro

~Isaiah 43: 1-4~  "But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you...'"

2012

New Year's Resolution:  to blog.

I stopped blogging for a lot of reasons, but my mom thinks I should keep it up.  Always listen to your mama, kids.

So here I am.  I'm a little bit unsure of what to say, so let me just give you a quick rundown on my life as a start.  Alright?  Alright.

First big news item is that I've been accepted into my college of choice!  Lord willing, I'll be heading over to Covenant College in the fall.  That's a pretty big bit of news for me, and I could not be more excited about it.

Second, I've got a serious case of senior-itis.  Doing school is harder and harder by the day because I'm so itchy to go out and make something of myself.  Therefore, this school year has been a lesson in patience, to be sure.

Other than that, I'm not that exciting.  :)  I'm going to try and get involved in things because I'm home too much, so I'll keep y'all updated on how that goes.  I'd love to take a ballroom dancing class, or maybe martial arts?  Who knows!  We'll see.

2011 was a rough year for me, but I'm starting off now, January 1st, with a fresher, more open mind and a desire to move forward.  I know that it may sound cheesy, but I feel like some good things will happen in 2012.

I hope y'all will stick around to watch it happen.

Love,
Caro

(Oh, and I went to Paris! Just sort of had to share because it's basically the city of my dreams.)

Agoraphobia Musings and Strangers

I wasn't always shy.

I used to be adventurous.  I never wanted to be at home; it was always: run, go, do, see, explore, create.  Never just "be."  Everything was open to me.  The world was my oyster.

Slowly, though, the constraints of school and life and growing-up crept closer and closer until going and doing and seeing and exploring were very low on the priority list.  Then, I moved to Rome.  What a dry patch!  For a year, I had no friends except the ones I had to be on the computer to see.  Home became the theme.  I rarely left the house unless I absolutely had to, and even then, I would get anxious about all of the people and everything I wasn't used to and I would hurry back into my shell.

My personality changed.  Being in a place where being American is uncommon muddled my thoughts and made me shy.  I didn't want to stand out, so I backed into a dark corner and hid as best as I could.  My thoughts were just a series of commands.  "Walk tall.  Don't look him in the eye; he's sketchy.  Pronounce Italian better, dummy, they're going to think you're an idiot.  Don't make eye contact; that lady might start a conversation and that could get awkward."

So I would stay inside.

I became a homebody.  I would groan when we left the house, or if I had to go somewhere by myself.  And I was immensely frustrated with this new development.

And then it all changed.  I moved to Brussels and made some friends who happen to live a good distance away.  In order to see them, I have to walk about 5 minutes to the bus stop, take a 15 minute bus ride to the train station, and then ride the train for 45 minutes to their town.

This has forced me to purchase train tickets, figure out arrival/departure times, talk to people, and maneuver around a foreign country all by myself.

I realized one day how agoraphobic I'd become when my dad made me go out.  He told me I just needed to leave the house and do something, to conquer a few fears, so I took the bus to Starbucks and went to my favorite little bookstore.  When I found out the bookstore was closed, I walked right back to the bus stop and came home.  I didn't explore or try to find somewhere else to see something new; my first instinct was to run home.

Yeah, that had to change.

My agoraphobic tendencies still often outweigh my exploratory ones.  I still think too hard about every detail of everything I do in public, and I occasionally panic when something that's routine gets twisted up and I have to change my modus operandi.  But, I've been getting better.  I find myself caring less and less.  How sweet coffee tastes when I've ordered it in French without passing the duty onto my friend.  I'll hug my buddies all the harder when I take the train and the bus to their house without any incidents or mild panic attacks.  I'll have a conversation in what I like to call "Frenglish" with the sweet girl who sat next to me on the train.

Perhaps the dulling down of my adventure-sense was a good thing.  Maybe it broke whatever could have been irrational or overly-enthusiastic in me.  Now, I must build a bit of it back up; I need to break the cycle of shyness and self-awareness in order to blend those warring spirits happily within me.

I'm learning how to talk to strangers.

So, it's been a while.

Hey, it's me.  I know.  I haven't posted since July.

Let's just pretend I've been a good blogger and move on, shall we?  I've still been posting occasionally at Dressing Room Door, so you can go check that out.

Mostly, I wanted to show you my room!  I've basically finished decorating, and I love it.  It's my favorite room in which I've lived, and it just screams Caroline.

First, my little "study nook."  I live on the top floor of our house, so I have a slanted roof on one side of my room with a big window in the middle.  To the right of my window, underneath the slant, I sat an Ikea desk.  This is where I do school and all my big thinkin'.  My mom put this desk together all by herself.  The little drawer was missing a back, and she crafted one from packaging styrofoam.  I'm proud.

Our land-lady let me pick the paint color for that one wall before we moved in, and I love it.  It matches perfectly with the sheets and quilt that I already had, and now I can just build upon the theme.  I love happy white furniture, especially when I have a big window.  It makes the space really airy and relaxing.  Assuming my room is clean.

Next we have the wall to the left of my desk.  I've got a big, big whiteboard upon which I write song lyrics that I like, things I must do, etc.  This time, it's lyrics to "Plant Life" by Owl City.  Speaking of which, I'm going to go to an Owl City concert on Friday and I'm more than a little excited.  :)  

That little lanyard on the side is one that I wore at the gathering for my online school, but I blurred out my last name from the preying eyes of internet strangers.  Sorry, creepers.

Here I have my inspiration board.  I expect it to get really full of random pinnings, but it's still a pretty new thing.  I cut the Topshop label off my shopping bag, the big piece of paper is "The Seven Ages of Man," the postcard is from the college to which I'm applying, Covenant, and the little paper nub on the left is a ticket to the London Eye.  The little cutouts are Taylor Swift and some random model from a magazine who looked to happy not to cut out and paste up there, and then there's a mask from Venice.  I can't wait to put more good things up there.

This is my cozy little bed and my horribly unattractive wardrobe (there are two standing side by side.  Military issue.  Not pretty, but I've made due).  To zoom in......

This is Beau.  My brother won him for me at Dave and Busters once, and I'm sort of obsessed with this huge hippo.  Why the name?  My thought process was:  Hippo.  Translates to Hippie.  Translates to Bohemian.  And from there, Bo.  I spell it Beau because I'm fancy.

This is a little board that I got at Ben Franklin once for about 10 dollars.  It's a bit nicked in spots, since I've had it since I lived in Hawaii, but I love it.  I cut out some Audrey Hepburn pics that were from a 2009 calendar, which, for obvious reasons, I can no longer use.  I hang my necklaces on the hooks.  (And may I just thank my father real quick for hanging all of this stuff on my wall?)  

And then I have a pretty little wicker bedside table with a stack of books underneath and a candle on the top.  I love candles, and need to find some yummy scented ones somewhere.

Moving on, we have my bookshelf/dresser  Yup, that's a flute on the bottom shelf.  And that little tree is holding my bracelets and earrings and rings.  I like having my jewelry on display because it makes me more likely to actually wear it.

And no, my room isn't sideways.  Blogger is just rude.

And finally, we have my funky little rocking chair, which just hangs out by the door that adjoins my room to the guest room.  I don't really go in there, so I don't have to worry about blocking the door.  I've also got my white wicker laundry basket from Ross next to it, and although you can't see it, I've got a full length mirror on the wall next to the guest room door. 

And you betcha I've got me a shaggy rug.


That's all for now, folks.  I want to blog more, it's just that lately, I feel as if I don't have anything important enough to say.  We'll see where this goes.  :)

Love,

My summer thus far

Things have been quite a whirlwind, lately.

I've made some friends who already feel like family.  I'll spend days at a time at their house and we can do nothing and everything, all the while being wonderfully entertained by each other.  There's no end to the amount of laughter ringing through the halls of our houses when we're together.  I love them already, and am so blessed to have tangible friends after a painfully dry period in Rome.  After a year of learning how to keep myself company, and teaching myself how to be alone, I'm now reaping the benefits in that I now stand in awe of the glory of friendship.

We've found a house and moved in... for the most part.  There are still boxes here and there and we need to go to Ikea and get some storing containers, but we've figured out places for a lot of our things..  We're in a lovely four-story row house, and I'm at the top floor.  Fifty-three stairs from my room to the very lowest level.  I do believe I'm going to be getting into excellent shape, and fast.

Tomorrow, we go to London for the weekend.  I'm thrilled to pieces about it because London is one of those extraordinarily dreamy places to which every young lady wishes to go.  I do believe I'll practice my English accent, and I plan on going to Harrod's, TopShop, and to ride the London Eye, if we have enough time.  And tomorrow night, we're going to see Billy Elliot at the theatre!  It's this girl's dream come true, I tell you.

I turned seventeen a little over a week ago, and I genuinely feel it.  Everyone always asks if you sense any difference on your birthday, and no one ever really does.  But for some reason, I woke up and thought, "Wow.  A year from today I'll be getting ready to go to college."  I've realized lately that my life is, everyday, a little bit more structured around my own independent plans and schedule.  I can move from place to place pretty well on my own, and haven't needed much help from my parents to get things done in unpacking my room, or much else.  Suddenly, I'm not a kid.  It's a terrifying prospect, but I'm enjoying it, too.

I haven't been blogging much, as you've probably noticed.  Lately I've just been trying to move through my summer and detox in the most stress-free way possible, and the blog has fallen to the wayside.  I'm headed for an incredibly tense year of school, and I'm wanting to make the most of this time that I have without a set schedule and assignments.

This has been my summer so far!  I'm loving Brussels, I'm loving my friends, I'm loving my family, and this is shaping up to be a terrific summer.  I hope you're all having a great time in the sunshine as well!

Love,

To be at Peace

Lately, something has been slowly stirring inside of me.

Some sort of quiet ambition... a desire to change my own mind.

I'm very good at worrying.  I think I worried away quite a few days in the past, and I did so for nothing.  Worrying never moved me forward; it just kept me stuck in a pit.  And once you're stuck in that pit, you merely get mired deeper and deeper into it.

Worry is a terrible thing.  It consumes you and expends mountains of energy, and that energy is usually meant to be used for something else; something productive.  Mainly, my worries have always been about how my adulthood will turn out.  What college I will go too, the people I will know, and what I will end up doing.  Even since I was little, I've just fretted in my own head about how I will turn out.

But lately, I've realized how foolish this is.  There's no magic number of "being there."  If I spend my youth worrying, there's a high likelihood that I'll spend my adulthood doing the very same.  There will never be a time in my life where I have everything perfectly figured out.  That fact proves my tendency to be entirely fruitless.

I have a new mantra, readers.  It's rather cliche, but when I say it to myself over and over, it genuinely makes me analyze my heart and release my worries.

What will be, will be.


No amount of agonizing over the future will change it, and that's ultimately because I'm not the one in control.  Is that not a beautiful thought?

I don't have to worry about "creating my own destiny."  I simply must follow where I'm called to be, and everything will work out for good.  For instance, I don't have to worry about friends who are far away.  I simply keep talking to them and loving them and staying as connected as I can, but in the end, those who are truly meant to be my forever friends will end up being just that.


There is nothing I can do to undo God's grace and plan for my life.  I can't make one wrong move, like picking the wrong university, and suddenly throw my life off course and ruin everything.  That idea brings me peace beyond comprehension.

This new mantra has also taught me to slow down and listen very carefully to the direction in which I should be heading.  If there are a multitude of reasons why I shouldn't go to a college, but I want to dig my heels in because I have friends there or it seems like an exciting place to be, I have to release that and understand that perhaps that's not where I should be.

Worrying has wasted much of my energy; but no more will I allow that to be even a tiny facet of who I am.  I want to be a young woman who can rest peacefully in the knowledge that I'm not in control, and do not have to fret over trying to make everything perfect.  The only one who can do that is God, and I must learn to put that into his hands.

I don't really like the term "living in the moment," because when I hear that, I think of people who misunderstand the phrase and disregard the fact that we must also be listening to the will of God and looking ahead towards our futures.  But in a sense, I do wish to more enjoy my moments and days, even if only because they are free from worry!

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34

 "And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" -Luke 12:25

Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down,

but a good word makes him glad. -Proverbs 12:25