Update

There's a reason I haven't been blogging.  It extends past the usual excuses... I legitimately have been at a loss for words.  My life has been in an uproar and I didn't know how to speak without mentioning why.

I feel that the dust has settled enough for me to be upfront about it.  Honestly, the dust will never completely settle, but it is what it is.

I have been unable to tell you this through my own emotional blockage, but my father left us.  I am not going to go into much detail because this is a public blog, but it has broken my heart and made my life change entirely.  I will not be traveling to Belgium on the holidays as planned because I no longer have a home there.  My mom has moved here to live in Georgia and I will be living with her when I'm not at school.  It's now just the three of us: me, my mom, and my brother.

This has been the greatest heartbreak I have ever encountered.  It's taken all of my creative energy and flushed it down the toilet.  It has caused ripples in several relationships, and it has led to me crying more often than I'd like to.

On a day to day basis, I'm doing fine.  I smile and I mean it.  I have happiness in my life.  But every once in a while it kicks me in the gut.  Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.  I struggle with anger, too, and have to hold my tongue more often than I like to.

One day, I won't cry anymore.  Some day it won't be new. Sitting in a room with just my mom, my brother, and me won't make me grieve.  But I will never be ok with it.

Even though this situation is the worst I've ever known, I still have so many blessings in my life.  I continue to be amazed at the loving behavior of so many people I know.  God provides for us with exactly what we need, and he regularly instructs us in patience. We've learned what real love means.

The only thing I ask is that you pray for us.  There's nothing more that we need than that.  And maybe soon I can write again.

With a heavy heart but a future hope,

Caroline