10,000 moments

I've mentioned this before on the blog somewhere far back, but I work in spurts.  I'll do something really good for two or three days and then I slowly trickle back into old patterns of whatever it was I was trying to overcome.  I know that part of this problem is nerves.  This may sound ridiculous, but often, when faced with a hugely daunting challenge, I simply sit and stare at it and do nothing because it seems too big, as opposed to doing something to shrink it.

But here's my biggest problem:  I err on the side of the dramatic.  There's nothing that would appeal to me more than huge, life-changing explosions where I'm suddenly a new girl, ready to tackle her issues.

Yeah, it doesn't really work that way.  Somehow, though, I keep expecting it to work just like that, even if it's mostly a subconscious idea.  And it never, ever, ever has any effect.  I eventually burn out because I was running on feelings.  Feeling, my friends, is the fuel that will run out after only a few inches.

So, as I was checking through my list of blogs to read the other day, I came across one of my mom's posts.  Her blog is here.  She posted a quote from Paul Tripp, and I think it's extraordinary.  I encourage you, please go read the whole thing here.

This is my favorite quote:

You see, the character of a life is not set in two or three dramatic moments, but in 10,000 little moments. The character that was formed in those little moments is what shapes how you respond to the big moments of life.

What leads to significant personal change?

• 10,000 moments of personal insight and conviction
• 10,000 moments of humble submission
• 10,000 moments of foolishness exposed and wisdom gained
• 10,000 moments of sin confessed and sin forsaken
• 10,000 moments of courageous faith
• 10,000 choice points of obedience
• 10,000 times of forsaking the kingdom of self and running toward the kingdom of God
• 10,000 moments where we abandon worship of the creation and give ourselves to worship of the Creator.

And what makes all of this possible? Relentless, transforming, little-moment grace. You see, Jesus is Emmanuel not just because he came to earth, but because he makes you the place where he dwells. This means he is present and active in all the mundane moments of your daily life.

I'm not one for New Year's Resolutions, but I think I'm simply going to resolve to be resolved.  It's going to take so much prayer and so much of God's abiding grace, but that's something I can count on.

A Trip to Remember (Or block out completely)

When I was, oh, probably five years old, I lived in Japan.  My family and I took a trip to Tokyo Disneyland, but I don't remember it at all.  I only remember what happened afterwards.

In Japan, you get around mostly on public transportation.  That day, naturally, we took trains.  These trains are more underground metro trains, not Harry Potter-style trains.  There were a few different train connections we had to make, but my memory begins not at the beginning of this trip, but somewhere near the middle.  This memory is very vivid, but I only have flashes of the most memorable parts.  The rest of the story has been filled in by my family.

~~~~

Picture me.  I'm short, chubby, have big coke-bottle glasses and look like a miniature member of the Geek Squad.  In a cute way, my mama would say.

I pretty much skipped everywhere.  Skip to the kitchen, skip to the grocery store, skip, skip, skippety-skip.

On this particular day, I was extra skippy because we went to Disneyland!  But now it was time to go home, and I was a little bit sleepy.  On one of the trains, I got my own seat right next to Daddy, so I was happy.  I wiggled and kicked my feet that couldn't yet touch the floor.  The train, though, started to fill up.

We sort of had an unspoken buddy system at that point.  In Japan, people don't really know what it means to respect personal space, so it was important that Will and I both had someone to hold our hand.  Mom had Will then, and Dad had me.

Finally, the train slowed as we made it to our stop.  I hopped up and Daddy took my hand, and we began to push through the people.  The people, however, pushed back.  Somehow, my hand slipped from Dad's, and this part of the story eludes me a bit.  He must have thought I was off the train and with mom, so he didn't turn back to get me.

The doors slammed in front of my face.  I proceeded to slam the doors that were in front of my face with my chubby little fists.  My heart raced, tears welled in my eyes, and I couldn't really think about anything but the fact that my parents were going to leave and I would never see them again.

Now, my dad is very good at making friends.  Wherever he goes, he learns peoples' life stories and knows their names shortly after meeting them.  On this particular train, he had met an Australian couple and was making conversation with them, so my family was standing just outside of the train in which I was so mercilessly trapped.

My brother Will, bless him, noticed that I was stuck on the tube of doom.  He pulled my dad's sleeve.

"Dad?"

"Will, you don't need to interrupt."

"But Dad?"

"Will.  Please don't interrupt!"

"BUT DAD.  CAROLINE IS ON THE TWAIN."

I remember vividly seeing my dad whip around to face the door.  He told me later that he was trying to think of some way to get inside, to climb on the roof, to do something, anything. 

At this point I was screaming and crying and panicking.  Quite lethargically, a skinny Japanese conductor, who must have heard my cries for help, pressed an immense red button that loomed above my head.  And the doors opened.

I stumbled out of the train, was coddled by my family, and my Dad held me for the rest of the way home.  I cried all the way.

The End.

P.S.  It was the last stop of the train.  I would have been fine in any case.  None of US knew that, though.

~~~

This story showed up in my mind today because the streets of Rome were packed, and we almost didn't all make it onto the subway on the way to church.  I think I still have some... issues from this incident.  I always walk in front of my family.  Thinking about it, it's most likely because I fear being left behind.  If I were behind them and got swallowed by a crowd, no one would know.  Or at least, that's my rationale. And I get these little bits of panic when I can't see my family.  I don't know how many times my mom has had to say to me, "Caroline, we're not leaving you."

This post is already too long, so I won't expand on my Demophobia (fear of crowds).  I just, honestly, needed something to blog about.  :)

Have you had any harrowing experiences?

Never Alone

Elizabeth sits in the middle of the carpet in the living room.  "Mom?  Can I watch some TV while you make dinner?"

"Sure, honey.  Thirty minutes only."

Elizabeth grips the remote in her fingers and out of habit turns to channel 33: Disney channel.  She puts the remote down again after adjusting the volume, and picks up her stuffed animal and begins to play, only half-heartedly watching the show.  Background noise is always nice when taking Mr.CuddleWuddles to the "vet."  As she wraps a Hello Kitty band-aid around his paw, she looks up at the TV.  There she sees Zack, from the famous Suite Life of Zack and Cody, talking to a girl his age.  Suddenly, he kisses her!

Elizabeth wrinkles her eyebrows, thinking with all her might.  She whispers to herself, "He's two years older than me..."  Suddenly her mom calls her for supper and she hops up, pretty much forgetting whatever she just saw.

Flash forward two years.  She's sitting in class, gazing longingly at Jonah Croft.  He's such a dreamboat....

The bell rings for recess and the class runs outside.  She's been planning this for at least three days.  She watches Jonah separate from his friends momentarily to pick up a dodgeball that went bouncing off the black-top.  She shyly walks up to him, pushes her hair behind one ear, and smiles nervously as she holds out a flower.

"I picked this for you."

Jonah lifts one eyebrow and steps back. "What the heck?"

"I picked a flower for you, Jonah!  I kind of... kind of like you."

"Gross!!" Jonah promptly runs to the other side of the playground.  Elizabeth stands still for a moment, reeling.  She had seen this played out the other day on Nickelodeon!  Why didn't it work out that way?  She slowly walks into the empty classroom, and sits at her desk.  Then, the tears come.

-------------------------------------------

Why did I tell this story?  Because Elizabeth and I are two very similar people.  The facts of her story are fiction, but the essence is very, very true.  This story is simple and short, but it is simply to set up my post.  I am writing this because I know I'm not the only one who suffers from this affliction.  I am not the only one.

I am not the only one who has felt that they need a boy in their life.

This is not something that I am ashamed of, and that's why I'm posting about it today.  Ever since I was little, that's been one of my crosses to bear.  The only reason I'm posting about this now is because slowly, very slowly, I'm overcoming it.

I know there are several young ladies who read this blog, and this is for you.  The chances are pretty high that you've felt this way before, because a lot of girls do.  This is a departure from my usual posting style, but I felt strongly pulled to write about this today.

From the beginning, we girls are constantly inundated with these messages.  Shows intended for children show eleven-year-olds dating.  Ads show women wrapped up in the arms of some hunk just because they wore a certain perfume or pair of jeans.  Teens on the street are open with their affection, almost to the point of rudeness.  Romantic comedies are popped out of the Hollywood oven faster than any other kind.  Songs spout that love and romance is the "teenage dream."

So who's surprised?  Is it any wonder that many teenage girls struggle with feeling as if they need a boy in their life, without really knowing why?  It's not just boys that are adversely affected by the media drenched in seduction and provocativeness.  It hurts girls too.  Not in the same way, but it gives girls a false idea of what they need.  It not only causes body image issues, which is a whole different post altogether, but it causes girls to feel as if they need someone, and they do everything they can to make sure it happens.

I am sixteen years old.  I have made a choice to wait until I'm in college to start the whole "courting" process, but it's not that simple.  You can't simply lift your hands in the air and yell, "I QUIT!" and expect to be left alone.  No, boys won't stop asking just because you don't accept, and the desire for having someone to cherish you is not just a switch you can flip.

So what do you do?  You sheathe your heart in God's word, and trust his will for you.  You have to know that he is the one who will love you for eternity, and remind yourself that there is no better lot than that one.  We girls are tempted to sit and listen to sad songs and cry our confusion and sorrow away, but try to sit down  for a while, read your Bible, and wrap yourself with the promises that God has made for us.  Instead of drowning in what you do not have, steep yourself in thanksgiving for the wonderful life you've been given and the glorious time you have as a young woman to build your relationship with God.

Do not despair.  God knows you, he knows what you can handle, and he has planned your life in order to fulfill his perfect, beautiful purpose.  If he has a husband intended for you, than this husband is exactly what you need.  If you act through the lens of the relationship you've built in your youth, when you finally meet the man for you, you will know.  Why would you choose a shabby, contrived fling in your youth, when you can wait for the Lord to carry a man to you who is just what you need?

Also, I find that it helps me to pray for my future husband, whoever he may be.  I pray that he grows closer to the Lord every day, and that he becomes a strong, wise man so that he will love me like Christ loves the Church. I pray every night for him, whether I've met him already or will meet him in years to come.  And I just talk to God about my struggles and my praises, and the closer I draw to him, the farther away my loneliness goes.

It is not a quick fix, and I still have problems with questioning and feeling alone.  But, through it all, I can trust that God is truly all I need.

If you like, you can leave me an anonymous message on my question box in the sidebar, and I would be so happy to pray for you.

Never Alone- Barlow Girl  (This song exactly expresses what I mean.)

"He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds."

--Psalms 147:3

"The eternal God is a dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms; and He drove out the enemy from before you, and said, 'Destroy!'"

--Deuteronomy 33:27

So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 

--1 John 4:16

Love,